November 30th, 2009

At first, it may seem that this topic has nothing to do with Long Distance Relationships. However, hang with me and I think you’ll see that in some situations what I’m about to rant about could have its application in a LDR situation.

At my previous job I had a television in my office which was kept on mute but had three channels and a phone line monitor on four quads of the television. How was I to know that one of the hardest parts about changing jobs was the loss of a television in my office? Or maybe it is just the loss of my office, as I am now dumped back into cube-land. But I digress.

With the bad (loss of office….do I sound bitter?) comes the good and I now work from home about 50% of the time. When I’m working from home I find it conducive to have the TV on – even though I can only “watch” one muted channel at a time….alas I do not have picture in picture capability. Maybe the next set….

Anyway whilst watching too much home shopping I ran across three items that on their own were creepy. But after the third one I thought, “You’ve got to be kidding me! What the heck is wrong with people?”

The first one is a nifty product marketed to children called EyeClops. They are “infrared stealth binoculars” with night vision technology. Yes, I said night vision technology: because your child is out after dark trolling for other little children to torture, ‘er I mean, play with in the pitch darkness of a winter evening.

The second thing on my Santa Stalking Wish List is a gadget called Silver Sonic Hearing. The infomercial for this gem points out that the gadget not only allows you hear what people are saying up to 90 feet away, but they delight in highlighting that the earpiece has been designed to look like a headset you’d wear with your cell phone. “Find out what people are really saying about you,” the announcer says. “They’ll never know you’re listening!”

Now I can only speak for myself, but if I was wearing the Silver Sonic hearing device and I heard someone commenting about how the dress I was wearing made me look fat, I’m going to guess that I’d end up telling them to kiss the fattest part of my rear end and it would be pretty apparent that I heard them up to 90 feet away.

And finally, whilst flipping through the big three home shopping networks I ran across this techno-treat: The Eagle-I Built In Video/Audio Recording Camera Sunglasses.

They were showing this nifty toy at a playground and how with these sunglasses it meant you’d never have to miss even a single second of a child playing because you were fumbling for a camera or video equipment.

Now maybe I’ve watched one too many “Criminal Minds” marathons but the first thing that crops into my mind is that unless you were doing some sort of extreme sport, like snowboarding on near vertical slopes, performing large jumps of up to 40 feet on your mountain bike, or scaling El Capitan in Yosemite, why on earth would you need a recording device in your sunglasses?

In fact, why would any person need these three products? Who is the niche market someone is going after with these “toys”?

The Radical Right militia perhaps? They can use the night vision and the Sonic hearing device to make sure no $%#@!@ government people come onto their property.

A serial killer maybe? He or she could surely use all of these little toys to help them decide who their most vulnerable next victim is.

Of course I promised that this rant would somehow relate back to commuter couples, didn’t I? And while I’m not recommending that anyone use any of these devices in this manner I’d point out that if you don’t trust your significant other, you can use these tools to stalk him/her and find out what they’re doing when you’re not together.

Happy Holidays and Merry Stalkings.