June 6th, 2011

Once again, allow me to apologize for the long silence. I’ve been ‘nesting’ now that Mr. J is back home full time. Which begs another question: what will happen to this blog long term? Will I abandon it….like I’ve done on and off to date? Another topic, for another time.

For now, I’d ask for your indulgence as I wallow in self-pity. Of course, for those of you that know me an episode of self-indulgence will be nothing new.

I’ve had family members hand me a book with blank pages and the title, “All About Me” and say, “Knock yourself out.”

Before I get too deep in my melancholy allow me to throw out a few things I know to be true:
1. I know how lucky I am to be alive. I know from painful experience. Or three.

2. I know there are a lot of people who would happily change places with me, i.e. I have a very good life: awesome husband, friends and family that love me, a nice house, a fulfilling job, etc.

3. I know that pro-creating is no guarantee that you’ll live happily-ever-after in Walton-esque bliss.

If I know all of this, then why am I letting my upcoming 45th birthday bust my chops?

I didn’t care about 40. In fact, I felt liberated. I felt like, “New era. All that worry about what other people thought: to heck with that! I don’t care what anyone thinks. Now it is my turn!”

Sadly, 45 leaves me feeling lost. Being in spitting distance of 50 really makes me question what I’ve accomplished to date in my life. Have I lived up to my potential?

I know part of the melancholy comes from how so many people in my peer group are celebrating the weddings and college graduations of their children. However, for full disclosure purposes, I never wanted kids. It wasn’t my thing. (See “self-indulgence” above.)

But still…..there is something sad about knowing that when I’m gone there will be nothing left behind.

Which, of course, is why I wanted to write my novel and get it published. I am hopeful I’ll pick that back up shortly. I hear my characters’ voices whispering in my ear again.

On the other hand, there is one thing that will outlive me: this blog. Nothing is ever ‘gone’ on the web!

On a more positive note, by the time I’d finished this ‘dialogue’ on Facebook last night and written up this longer commentary this morning I realized that I am much closer to my life goals at 45 than I was at 40.

So all is not lost, dear reader. I am moving through my meloncholy to embrace all of the wonderful things in my life…including my age. As my father often says, “It’s better than the alternative!”

I’ll leave you with another quote:

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.”
— Wayne W. Dyer