Archive for August, 2011

Are You Flipping Kidding Me?

Wednesday, August 31st, 2011

I cannot believe what I’m about to say but here goes: I am so grateful that summer is almost over. I am sick to death of hearing employees offer up unsolicited opinions on the attire of their fellow employees as they walk by.

This is a yearly obsession corporate America falls prey to when Memorial Day rolls around and companies roll out the ‘casual’ dress code for the next 90 days.

While this is supposed to be a perk to ‘relax the dress code’ it tends to turn into a royal bitching session as coworkers debate the difference between sandals and flip flops; Capri and crop pants; sleeveless tops and tank tops.

Most companies policies state, “Flip flops are not allowed.”

What exactly qualifies as a flip flop? I’ve heard so many arguments over the years from team members trying to justify their footwear:

“But I wouldn’t wear these on the beach.”

“They are leather!”

“They have gold spangles and iridescent beads! They aren’t flip flops.”

“I wouldn’t wear these in the water. They have a velvet rose on them!”

“Flip flops are those $2.50 cheap things you wore after gym class in the shower to keep from getting athletes foot.”

“I spent $100 for these sandals! They are Birkenstocks!”

I have looked down my nose at all of these excuses. “Look,” I say. “A thong is a thong is a thong.”

They stare back at me, aghast. They look at me as if I’ve just questioned their choice in undergarments.

Good Heavens! They do think I’m questioning their undergarments!

Am I the only person that knows that a thong was a shoe long before it was dental floss worn by (most) people who should never wear them?? Particularly if said dental floss is dark navy under white pants…..but I digress. I will NOT mention cottage cheese thighs…..

I’m also sick of the “Those aren’t crop pants. Those are Capri’s.” argument.

Some dress codes state that cropped pants must not allow more than 4 inches of leg to show. Why not? Skirts can be knee length. Why can’t pants stop at the knees?

“Because we don’t allow Capri’s.”

Oi vey. Are you kidding me?

I’m suddenly having flashbacks to being twelve years old, knees cracking as they hit blocks of alternating black and tan linoleum tile, knee to knee with my fellow student, rulers placed up against my legs.

Oh wait. I never went to parochial school….must have been a movie! LOL.

Another personal favorite: sleeveless vs tank tops, or taken to an even greater extreme: spaghetti strap tops. Again: are we to get a ruler out here? How much of the shoulder can or cannot be showing?

How could someone mix up ‘sleeveless’ with ’spaghetti strap’? And more importantly why am I the person who has to explain that, “Uhm….just because there are multiple straps covering a very narrow portion of your shoulder, I still should NOT be able to see your lime green bra strap……”

On the other hand, there have been times that I’ve had to coach women about the necessity of wearing a bra. That would be a story for another time….and once again, in case you caught my last post, “Maine-ly Disappointed” this was another chick that had no business not wearing a bra.

But back to my original premise, I’ll be glad when Labor Day is here and we can all go back to wearing clothes that don’t have to be measured, shoes that aren’t mistaken for underwear and tops that also masquerade as food staples.

Frankly, I find the entire ‘summer dress code’ a flop!

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Maine-ly Disappointed

Tuesday, August 16th, 2011

vacationland-signRecently Mr. J and I traveled to the state of Maine for the first time. As we crossed the bridge from New Hampshire into Maine (via turnpike) we were met with a sign, “Maine – Vacationland:

Then we went past a steady stream of “Don’t’s”

Don’t drink and drive

Buckle Up or get a ticket

Don’t text and drive

Don’t park or stop your vehicle in any traffic lane or bridge

U-Turns at any point are prohibited

Pedestrians are not permitted

Hitchhikers are not permitted

After about a dozen signs of what wasn’t permitted I wasn’t feeling to Vacation-y at all.

Laughing at the crazy anal nature of their warning signs we continued on to our destination, Portland. It was the final destination of our 10-day sojourn of Vermont, New Hampshire and, now into Maine.

The temperature in Portland that day was 110 degrees: horribly out of season for Maine. As we drove into Portland, the historical district was a wonderful display of cute shops in brownstone form with narrow cobble stone streets.

As we came to our first T-junction into the historic port district I slammed on the brakes, mouth dropped open in disbelief. There, passing in front of our rental car, was a woman.


Now, I get that it was hot. Seriously I do. But allow me to assure you that she was doing herself no favors being topless.

After making sure I hadn’t hit Ms. Boobsy-McBoobs, I turned to Mr. J and said, “Did you see that?”

“How could I miss it?” he replied. “I think my corneas have just burned out.”

I mean – seriously: this girl would have been better served to pull her boobs up and tie them around her neck like a halter top….yes, I mean a halter top – behind her NECK.

And she wasn’t old, mind you. She was way the heck younger than me. (See previous blog on my sad aging saga.)

“Should we follow her?” I asked.

“What on earth for?” Mr. J. asked.

“Because I know you’re a boob man,” I responded.

I won’t relay what he said next.

So…………let me get this saggy. I mean, straight: I can’t make a U-turn, drink and drive, text and drive or stop on the road but I can walk around Maine topless??

Of course, I do what any 45-year-old female would do (Here would be the place to stop reading if you get squeamish):

I go back to the hotel and strip off to the waist. I turn: left to right, right to left. Yep. As I thought: my boobs are way-the-hell less droopy than hers were.

I won’t include a picture of what happened next.

Let’s just say I embraced my Maine-dom. It was freeing!

The thing I know for sure: I was much less droopy than the girl. Given the surface mass her droopiness must have covered in the 100+ degrees and probably 85% humidity, that girl should have kept her top on!

Posted in LJ & Mr. J's Story |