December 7th, 2011

My apologies for the lack of posts. A couple of things have side tracked me.

One afternoon at the end of September, after a 15 mile bike ride and then a nap, I woke up and could barely move. My lower back and left hip were so painful I almost threw up as I tried to get out of bed. (See? Exercise will kill you.)

24/7 pain is not a good motivator for writing. In fact, 24/7 pain isn’t a good motivator for anything.

My chiropractor said, “You’ve been sitting too much. Stop sitting so much.”


That is fantastic advice: except I have a desk job. And my favorite form of exercise involves sitting (on the bike, people. Not channel surfing!).

And I had promised my sister I would scrapbook her wedding, which also involves rather a lot of sitting. YIKES.

However, I decided it was time to make an appearance here and after the cat capers of the last couple of days I thought now was the purr-fect time.

Since Mr. J moved back he works from home and all of our cats have attached themselves to him.

I mean, I get it: He is there 24/7. I am not.

We have a white cat that lost his Mama kitty very early. When we first got him he wouldn’t clean himself so we washed him to keep his feet clean.

After a few weeks he caught on. Generally, speaking.

I get home last night and he falls over at my feet so I can pet him and I notice he has a dirty butt. I turn to Mr. J and say, “Did you see this? Why haven’t you cleaned him up?”

“I didn’t notice.”

Because this is a public forum and Mr. J might actually read this I’m NOT going to type out what I thought. We’ll just call it: CENSORED

I drop my computer bag, lunch bag, purse and shrug out of my coat and scarf. I am now on the floor with a warm washcloth cleaning a cat’s butt. Gotta love coming home after a long day!

As the evening wore on another one of the cats started choking on something. I call out to Mr. J and we move in to grab the cat. Our quickly shouted back and forth plan is to do the ‘hooked’ finger method into his mouth in an effort to dislodge whatever is blocking his airwayThis freaks the poor cat out even more than choking. He jerks his back legs free from Mr. J’s hands, jack-knifes around and catches me square in the face, bunny-kicking the crap out of my bottom lip and chin.

The good news is: that while he tried to launch himself from our grasps, he dislodged the piece of food he was choking on. The bad news: the bottom half of my face was numb.

Later, as I’m sitting there watching TV – okay, yes I was channel surfing in this instance – our girl kitty gets in Ray’s lap and starts nursing/making biscuits (whatever you like to call it) and generally settling down with an amazingly loud, happy purr.

What the heck? How is it HE gets the purring cat and all I’ve got is the dirty butted cat and the crap kicked out of me when I tried to save another cat’s life??

Mr. J points out that during the night the girl kitty sleeps on my pillow, walking right over his face to get to me.

Right…..I say. Sure, she does. “And you’re laying there awake monitoring cat activities at 3am??” This is from the guy who only needs a flat surface to fall asleep. Literally.

Fast forward a few short hours to 5am this morning. I am deep in sleepy-land when I feel a huff of warm breath on my face. Then the tickle of gentle whisker nuzzles followed up by a VERY loud purr.

And there she is: the girl kitty! Mr. J was right!

She is purring all over me, nuzzling my hand, getting comfortable on my pillow and nursing herself into a heightened state of satisfaction.

I’m lying there feeling very vindicated and far more forgiving of her furry brethren when suddenly she revs her purr into overdrive.

She gets so excited she flexes her claws, moves her paw and “BAM!” I’ve got a cat’s claw embedded in the very TENDER skin beneath my lower right eye.

Won’t that make for lovely holiday pictures??

This is fantastic. I’ve now been beaten, scratched and shat all over by the bloody cats in my house….

Tell the truth: this tale (or tail) sounds like something you hear from a mother of 3 toddlers, doesn’t it??

There is a reason I didn’t have kids! And this might be it.

Anyone want a cat for Christmas?